What a Nightmare

Genre Reflection #1

I stumbled into a topic for a genre reflection, admittedly one I wish I hadn't, but I did. So I thought I’d take advantage of the situation and write one to test it out. You’ll see more of these in the future, but for now here is my first. 

 Excited to get my first lesson this semester started I begin explaining the bell work to my students.

“After I read your new vocabulary words to you, you will place these,” I point to the screen where everything is laid out nicely giving examples of how to use the marks with the words,  “indicators by the words you have heard, words you don’t know, and the words you know and can use in a sentence.”

I look out to my students and chaos has ensued. One student has decided now is the time to rise and show off his new learned talent, the shoe, the new dance craze amongst teens. Of course, he’s killing it. He slayed that dance move better than Michael Jackson ever could, and his classmates join in. I’m dumbfounded and left staring like a deer in headlights. I glance at Dr. Cramer observing me in the back-left corner of the room and she’s writing on her clipboard. I know in my gut, she’s noting on my report, “bad classroom management”.  

Somehow, and I don’t know how because it’s as if time has jumped forward, my students are back to the well-behaved students I know them to be and I’m attempting to hand out the word scrolls I meticulously created on word that was modeled after Kylene Beers’ idea for vocabulary word organizers. I’m so excited to see how well my students work with these, I don’t even notice when I grab the stack of papers that I only have five copies of the sheet. I begin to hand them out and OH NO! This isn’t enough! Quickly I glance at the table, perhaps I have the rest there. No. Nothing! Helplessly, I look at my MT and while I’m sure panic was written all over my face I think, would it be appropriate to ask her to run and make a few copies. I glance at Dr. Cramer again. She’s writing on her clipboard. I’m positive she’s writing in big red letters, “UNPREPARED”.

Tears well up in my eyes. I know I’ve failed miserably. Slowly, I turn towards my MT to ask her to make copies for me when the lights in the room go out. The projector, the laptop screen, even the long skinny window in the back of the room is dark. No light can be seen projecting into the room from anywhere. It’s pitch black. For some reason, I believe that if I could just make it to the door to the classroom and open that door, light will somehow flood the room, and all will be okay. I place my hands out in front of me in an attempt to see with my hands. My foot clumsily finds the corner of a chair, or maybe a desk, and I begin to fall. Right before my body has a chance to hit the floor my eyes flash open and I’m relieved to see the ceiling fan in my bedroom spinning quietly. I feel the cool breeze across my face and listen to the silence for a moment relieved that was just a dream. I look at the clock. 3:12 a.m. Even more relief. I still have close to two hours to sleep off that stress.

This was my nightmare last night that has haunted me all day. I’m exhausted. Perhaps it’s because I just scheduled my observation with Dr. Cramer and my fears are creeping into my dreams. Perhaps it’s because I have almost completed my week of lesson plans and I worry they are not good enough or that I haven’t considered everything I should, so the stress is flowing into even my unconscious thoughts. No matter what the reason for the dream was, I know one thing is certain. I have moments I worry I’m not good enough and stress it to the max. It’s crazy because I love the experiences I’m privileged to have through this program, and really do believe I am successfully applying what I learn. Additionally, I feel that I am meant to teach. I absolutely love it, but days like today I can’t shake the feeling that I’m incapable and not good enough.

Have any of you experienced nightmares about your teaching? Is this normal to stress it so much or am I making it harder on myself than it has to be? If I’m being honest with myself I’m probably making it harder than it has to be. I typically do that because I have high expectations of myself.